Spiders
"How are you doing?" Heather asks me.
"Fine," I lie, although I look fine and act fine.
"I'm sorry. I know how much he meant to you."
I meet her sympathetic gase for a minute and then turn in my seat so I'm sitting at my desk looking out the window. I say, "I think I'd like to be alone for a little." I can picture Heater nodding.
"Well, I'm here if you need me."
"I know. Thanks."
Heather gets up and leaves, the door shutting gently behind her. I sigh and relax my muscles. My throat feels thick as I gaze out onto the road outside, with all the cars going by without really seeing them. I'm waiting for something, for something to happen inside of me. I can't stay forever. I sit there, and sit there, and sit there.
Then, for some reason, I picture how I must look, looking at myself from outside, and I start laughing. I'm laughing heavily. I'm laughing to keep myself from crying and my hands are crawling like spiders across the desk. I trap my hands in my lap . My mouth curls down as my laughter slowly fades off. All I can think of is that I have lost something. A hold has been punctured in me and something has escaped. Knowing how silly I must look, I make an effort to calm myself. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I look up, half expecting to see him there, but of course he isn't. I laugh shortly. Then, I lean back in my chair and look up at the generic white tiled ceiling and decidee that I don't really want to be alone. I get up and go down to the third floor and knock on room number 358. Heather answers the door with wet hair and in a bathrobe; she's suprised to see me.
"Hi," I say.
"Come on in," she says and I go into her apartment and sit on the couch. She sits down at me. "Heather," I say, "I..." Then the words stick. A huge invisible wave rushes up and hits me, forcing tears out of my eyes. I'm crying, my throat is thick and my breath ragged, and it really hurts. Suddenly, Heather's arms are around me and I clutch her. I cling to her and press my face up against up her sholder, trapping a lock of her wet hair against her cheek. "Oh God," I gasp, and something opens up in the middle of my chest and drains me of all of my energy. Heather strokes my back as I hold her and cry uncontrolably.